I feel tired today. Probably because I got about 6 hours of sleep last night and forgot to set my alarm earlier so that I could bike to work today, instead of drive.
I contacted a new therapist late last night and am going to be talking with her over the phone tomorrow, to see if it’d be a good idea for me to come in. I liked working with my other therapist, but I felt like there was some disconnect, as far as age and gender, and I’m trying to find a more female-oriented therapist who takes an existential approach to helping solve some of the problems I’ve been having – including the fact that I can’t fucking get my ex out of my head, and I don’t know why. Even after we haven’t spoken, we haven’t crossed paths, and he has barely said a peep about me on social media in months, for some reason, I’m still allowing myself to be obsessed, and it’s unfair to both me, and to the current relationships that I’m in.
So, I’ve sought out a new therapist who I’m hoping can help me with my residual emotional issues from my divorce, my depression, the issues within myself revolving around my relationships (and past relationships), and, tied into all that, my decision to give up alcohol.
I just re-read one of my other blogs about the Magic Mountain Man, an older gentleman David, who I met while hiking the Atalaya Mountain in Santa Fe, NM. As he spoke to me he mostly kept his eyes closed, and gestured wildly with his hiking poles. I remember feeling so affected by his comments – so at peace and happy, and re-affirmed – and thinking about it now makes my heart feel swollen with happiness. What he said was, “Whatever it is that brought you up here, cherish it, acknowledge it, love it, because it is going to save your life.”
I just want to keep remembering, keep holding onto that notion, because that was the first time in a long time that I felt truly safe walking about int he world. I want to find that feeling again.