I’m over the 30-day hump and while it feels like not much, it also feels like everything.
I’m trying to learn to cherish the fact that I’m a non-drinker, a sober person who has finally allowed herself to wake up.
I’m trying to cherish the knowledge that I don’t have to wake up full of dread and panic, disappointed in myself again.
I’m trying to remember that even as I get further and further away from the last hangover I (hopefully) will have ever had, the distance can distort my perspective on drinking, making it seem less insidious and pernicious as it really, truly is.
I have to remain vigilant. The next 30, 300, 3000+ days depend on it.
I’m trying to avoid becoming judgmental, or overly confident, or dismissive of the hurdles I’ve jumped.
Because I have 32 days. 32 days, and my body is on its way to healing. My mind, I’m sure, will follow in short order.
Though I do want to draw attention to the idea of sobriety being a “fix” for my life, as if I were broken. I used to think of it this way. I have pains, sorrows, and disappointments. I’ve definitely hurt others, and been hurt very deeply myself. I have a need to heal myself and those wounds.
But I am not broken. I never was. I’ve overcome too much to be broken. It took clarity of mind to really see that, but I see it now, and it’s really liberating.
I’m not broken.
This is especially important for me to keep in mind when I think about past relationships. After I ended things with my last boyfriend, he lamented very publicly on social media, at one point saying things to the effect of, “If she hadn’t fallen apart, we would’ve been perfect. Why did she have to be broken?”
Yes, he said these things, out loud to the world. I tried my damndest to ignore his negative comments about me, but still, they cut to my core. I felt like I was crumbling because of his words. I took them into my heart and questioned myself.
Was I broken? Fucked up? Just a bunch of baggage impersonating a human?
Was I falling apart at the seams?
I asked those things over and over. I got no answers.
Only in sobriety and my clear mind can I say, emphatically: NO.
No, I am not broken.
I am whole.
No, you are not broken.
You’re not broken.
You’re wonderful just the way you are.