Day 54 Alcohol Free: Saying “Bye Felicia” to Wolfie

Day 54 of sobriety. I just wanted to write in to say that today, I’m feeling good. No extreme emotions, only slight boredom at work (which is pretty much my own fault anyway, heh) and an overall feeling of calmness and being content.

I took a nice walk around the downtown area today during the lunch hour, about 30 minutes or so of fresh air, sunshine, and moving my body. Instead of ruminating like I probably would’ve done earlier in sobriety, I was thinking about how much I love my city – how pretty it is with all its unique architecture, the Mississippi River running through it, and such a variety of people who live within. It was nice to feel so… I don’t know, in-the-moment, I guess.

I think I’ve probably hit a soft pink cloud at this point. Things aren’t magical, but they’re not shit, either. I think this is what normal feels like. I was able to handle a rather large hiccup in one of my main projects at work with only losing my cool just a tiny bit, instead of catastrophizing. I’d say that’s a success.

Yesterday, I had a pretty great meeting with my therapist. She’s a bit zany, but I like her slightly unconventional approach. We were talking about the things that will help me feel even more confident, and discussed some things I could do to start moving my life in the direction I want.

At one point, she mentioned how I seem to get into deep thought a lot, and I couldn’t help but agree. I said, “yeah, sometimes I notice myself ruminating about the fact that I ruminate. I mean, what the hell?! I need to stop doing that.”

We both laughed and she pointed out, kindly, that it’d be better for me to give fewer fucks, particularly when it comes to past relationships. She said that she notices me carrying a sense of obligation and guilt toward the hearts I’ve broken, and instead of telling me that I had deep-seated problems to work through, most of what I needed came down to allowing myself to not give as many fucks.

Obviously, it doesn’t mean that I should go around hurting people with reckless abandon.  Nor does it mean that I shouldn’t apologize when I knowingly hurt someone, or not be mindful with my actions so that I can avoid hurting others in the first place. But, it does mean that it’s not healthy for me to carry guilt on my back for every transgression from my past. I have to learn to tell myself that I’m human, and that beyond being as honest and kind as I can, I have no control over how others will react to me. That ex-boyfriend of mine who wouldn’t leave me alone – who called me broken, paranoid – isn’t my problem anymore. What he thinks or says about me is none of my business. So long as I keep my distance and he ins’t threatening me, there is no reason to keep that guilt hanging over my head indefinitely. It’s done.

Sometimes I do feel like getting “permission” from an outsider helps me realize that I’m allowed to let go, I’m allowed to feel okay again, I can control how I feel, and I can control how I react to others. Whenever I notice a negative thought pop up in my head, I can make the effort to tell it to screw off, and to instead say to myself, “I’m not broken – look at me, I’m kicking ass right now!”

One of my favorite sobriety bloggers, Belle, calls that voice “wolfie”. It’s that agitating little shit of a voice in your head that tells you nothing will ever be good without alcohol again, and that you might as well give up. You’re too weak, it says, you’re broken, you need it. You feel shitty about all of these things from your past,you should probably try to cover that up.

Nah, wolfie, that ain’t me. You’re thinking of someone else. I’m allowed to stop drinking  (I’m allowed to stop feeling guilty) and stay sober (and move on). I’m allowed to feel okay without booze (or guilt). I’m allowed to say that after 10 months, my ex’s broken heart is no longer my business. If he wants to fix it – and fix it properly – that’s on him.

Like I used to say to myself during my divorce: not my circus, not my monkeys.

Or, in more modern terms: BYE, FELICIA.

*cue eye roll*

Day 54 is in progress. I won’t drink tonight!

 

2 thoughts on “Day 54 Alcohol Free: Saying “Bye Felicia” to Wolfie

  1. Lily 🌷 says:

    I find the ‘external validation’ from my therapist extremely valuable too. I also need to be told that it is NOT unreasonable for me to have boundaries, and to hold to them. That I am not responsible for other peoples upset if they cross my boundaries and get the expected reaction. Its hard for me to believe in myself, but Im trying. Im glad you are in a good space now 🙂 Lily

    Like

    • okayishness blog says:

      Yes, the external validation is surprisingly powerful. It’s always so refreshing to have someone on the outside say, “you’re doing the best you can, and you’re allowed to set whatever boundaries you choose.”

      Hope all is going well with you Lily!

      Like

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