Crying over Cats

I have this thing where I don’t like to cry in front of other people. I never have. Even as a child, I would refrain. The tears were almost always internal, until I had a chance to get away and process things. As such, the majority of my big cry sessions have been done in private, into a pillow or while driving somewhere in my car.

When my parents divorced, I didn’t cry. When my grandfather died in front of my eyes when I was 19, I didn’t cry. When we had to put down the family dog, and later the family cat, I didn’t cry. I couldn’t even be in the same room as my sweet pup or my darling cat while they were taking their final breaths.

Even with my ex-husband, I never cried in front of him to show sadness, unless I was drunk and we were fighting. I didn’t shed a single happy tear at our wedding – I shed no tears at all, even while others were crying with joy.

No, crying just hasn’t been easy for me. Instead of expressing sadness in a normal way, I’d typically be moody, broody, quiet, or critical. I remember crying in front of my ex the most when our relationship was choking on its own death rattles – and even then, I was drunk, or getting drunk, or thinking about getting drunk.

It’s weird, for someone as emotional as I am, crying is pretty much the hardest thing for me to do, at least when I’m around others. Even when I’m alone, I feel weird and out of control and almost weak when I break down. I try to hard to keep my composure that fighting back tears during difficult times is just kind of my modus operandi.

Last night, I started feeling sad during a dinner with my boyfriend & one of his friends. What made me sad, you ask? Oh, you know, they were talking about cats. Yes, cats. I just so happen to love cats, and sadly had to re-home my two beautiful kitties almost a year ago because of some difficult life circumstances. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in recent years (besides my divorce), and as soon as I left them at their new home, I tried like crazy to never think about it and block it out because I knew it would make me burst out in tears if I thought about it too much. It’s literally too painful for me to think about without crying. I miss them like crazy and I just want to know that they’re happy and safe. Sometimes I wonder if they’d even remember me, if I ever saw them again.

Anyway, so they were talking about cats. I kept a smile on for the remainder of dinner but felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. I was super sensitive on the ride home, and my boyfriend even commented that I seemed jumpy. We got to his place and he fell asleep on the couch while I half-watched an episode of Lost, feeling all angry and upset with myself for being angry and upset. It wasn’t until later that night, while in bed, that I turned to my boyfriend after trying to stuff the tears down and had to force myself to vocalize my sadness. I literally had to say, “Hey. I felt sad tonight.” Just like that. I realized that was the first time while sober that I had ever just been honest with someone about how I felt, unprompted.

I started crying and even as I cried, I was fighting myself, trying to keep it under control. It wasn’t pretty. He gave me kisses and wiped my cheeks as I cried and told me it was okay to let myself feel the feels. He’s not the most outwardly emotional guy, but he was there for me in the moment when I felt like a sniffly hot mess, crying over something that happened almost a year ago.

Still learning. Still sad. Still sober. Day 69 in progress.

7 thoughts on “Crying over Cats

  1. Abbie says:

    I COMPLETELY GET IT! I can’t cry for over a couple of minutes, even when I want to, after so long not allowing myself to cry.
    And my cat was there for me when I was a little girl hiding in my closet, and they have been my best friends ever since. I had to take my beautiful Lacey to a shelter several years ago, and I cried like I did when my dad died (the worst thing ever).
    I don’t do well with anything anti- cat, because God sent them to me when I’ve been in the worst places. They comfort me when nobody else can or will.
    Day 69 is MIRACULOUS!! Keep up the good work!!

    Like

    • okayishness blog says:

      Thank you so much!

      Yes, saying goodbye to my cats was one of the hardest things. Ultimately, I feel it was best for both me and them, but my heart hurts so badly. They were my little angels, and always will be. I can only hope that someday in the semi-near future, I’ll be in a place where I am stable enough financially, mentally and residentially to be able to rescue another cat or two. Until then, the healing continues!

      Liked by 1 person

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