Today is day 70.
For some reason that doesn’t feel quite as cool as 60. I think the next big number I’m looking for is 90. What I’m really looking forward to, though, is the day when I stop caring about what day it is – when I’m just living this new life and it’s not such a big deal anymore.
Today is also slow. Really slow. Slow Fridays are a concentration killer for me. If things aren’t high-pressure and fast-paced, I feel like I either bum-rush my way through projects and then get confused when I turn around and there’s nothing left to do, or I sit there twiddling my thumbs, knowing that I could get shit done but actively choose not to.
I have also developed this stupid compulsion to check my phone all the fucking time, for some reason. It’s gotten worse over the past couple of weeks. My mind is just all over the place. I get started on a task at work but, for some inexplicable reason, have this irritating compulsion to stop mid-task and grab my phone, multiple times an hour. I feel horrendous about it.
Are bad concentration problems a thing in the first few months of not drinking? Like, really bad concentration, where you feel like a puppy who’s been fed caffeine pills and then set loose in a field full of dead fish and ham bones?
Where did that analogy even come from?
Anyway, yeah, my concentration while at work is shit these days. I keep having this nagging fear that someone’s gonna find out that I check my phone 30+ times an hour instead of working diligently and consistently through the 8-hour days. I’m afraid they’re going to see that I am not NEARLY as productive as I’d like to be. It wasn’t like this at first, I swear. I dunno what happened.
Just… sigh. I’m sure that this is yet another small hiccup in the journey. I haven’t been exercising quite as much, which has typically been a negative thing for me in the past, so I know I need to be more committed to doing that. At this point, I feel the need to do it more for my mental health than for my physique – though the improved musculature and better-fitting clothes are always, always welcome side effects. But exercising seems to center me, calm my jitters, and lift my spirits.
I’m not special in that regard, but that’s okay. I do it for my sanity. I do it for me.