Well, somehow I’ve made it. My first big goal: 100 days. The original goal I set out for myself. Some days felt like they’d never end. Others seemed to be done before they even began.
In the last 100 days, I’ve done the following:
- Stayed sober. That means going from daily, heavy drinking to nothing, and keeping it that way.
- Opened up to my boyfriend about some of my emotional past, took teeny baby steps in learning how to tell him what I need (but I still need a lot of practice in that).
- Went to several concerts (and even a two-day music festival) and enjoyed them all sober.
- Started this blog and connected with a lot of amazing people. What an awesome, funny, heartfelt, honest and vulnerable group of sober people we are!
- Had a true reckoning with my emotional state; came to accept that I may have some underlying depression and anxiety to take care of. Told myself that this is okay – really, my sadness is just as valuable as my happiness, even if I don’t like it that way.
- Allowed myself to cry, get angry, feel numb, and express joy – truly, honestly, without holding back. Felt weird and unrestrained and out of control while doing it. Told myself that was okay.
- Allowed myself to cry in front of my boyfriend, which is actually a pretty rare occurrence. Allowed myself to feel comforted by my boyfriend as I cried, while he kissed my face and told me it’s okay to be sad.
- Recognized that I’m lonely; tried to understand why, and where the loneliness is coming from. Took baby steps to remedy that.
- Cried more. Got angry more. Felt the existential dread. Felt full of guilt and remorse and sadness. Then let the serenity and joy back in. Let it all slide off my back more quickly than before.
- Discovered a new addiction: LaCroix sparkling water. Especially the coconut kind.
- Started to let go of the things that were holding me back emotionally.
- Traveled on an airplane sober without losing my shit during takeoff, turbulence or landing.
- Successfully changed my work schedule to allow me time on Fridays to focus on school work.
- Slimmed down/improved my gym performance significantly.
- Woke up every day without a hangover – maybe not refreshed or well-rested, but never hungover.
- Sought out and participated actively in therapy.
- Tried out my first Alano meeting – and got my 3-month chip!
These past 100 have been a whirlwind. I wouldn’t want it any other way.