Lately, I’ve been getting these little bursts of excitement deep in my chest that usually last a minute or less. It swells up around my lungs and heart and sends a nice warm glow up my back to my mind. It gives me a feeling of peace and hopefulness, despite many of my days being filled with various stressors, pain points, and struggles. It’s a welcome sensation, this warm hopeful burst, and I often feel the need to chase it down the street as it eventually floats from my head to the skies.
I keep wondering what, exactly, this feeling is, and where it comes from.
I’ve been harping on the thought lately that I’m ready to start settling into my life and finding peace in a routine that I can stick to. It’s kind of a scary thought to someone like me, who has historically been plagued by “grass is greener” syndrome in almost every area of my life. Rather than looking for any way possible to jump ship and start anew, I’m beginning to recognize how important stability and home and consistency are for me. I haven’t had any of those things for an extended period of time in over 3 years now, if not longer. In looking back at where I was three years ago, it’s amazing to me to realize how far I’ve come—how many boulders I’ve pushed up hills, how many tears I’ve cried, how many miles I’ve run, how many drinks I’ve refused, how many nights I’ve been kept awake wondering if I’m taking my life in the right direction, on and on.
So when these little bursts of peace and hopefulness rise up in me, I often wonder if I’m standing on the edge of maybe finally getting where I want to be. All the goals I’ve set for myself over the past 3 years are starting to be realized. In those moments, I feel so confident in where I’m going that it kind of feels like flying.
And then, my feet come back down to the ground, the feeling drifts away, and I’m back in my own mind again, typing away at my desk or walking around downtown or staring out my bedroom window.
I come back to a world where I remember that I have bills due, and less money to pay them with than I used to. I slowly come back to remembering that I have a boyfriend who, right now, doesn’t trust that moving in with me will prove to be an adventure worth the risk. I think about how badly I want an animal companion back in my life—a pair of guinea pigs, a hedgehog, a cat, even a dog—and feel depressed that I don’t know if I’m allowed to keep an animal where I live. I get anxious about the upcoming Fall semester and all the homework I’ll have, on top of 16 hours of unpaid internship a week.
I come back down and remember that I still can’t drink. Most of the time, this doesn’t bother me. Sometimes I feel sad, or frustrated. Lately I’ve been noticing how my mind wanders toward the alcohol when I’m in a social setting, and I have to snap myself back away from it and focus my mind on other things. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m in danger of drinking, but I don’t feel as overly-confident as I once did. I think it might be a good idea for me to break out my copy of This Naked Mind again and give it another read-through. Yoga and time with sober friends will be important, too.
Hopefully those little bursts of positivity will happen with more frequency. Or, perhaps, the random bursts of sadness and anger I feel will continue to lessen. Maybe a little of both.
Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?
❤ Em. Day 409.