I have been feeling…disconnected from my sobriety lately.
It’s becoming more and more difficult for me to connect the current events of my life to being sober.
It’s true, much of what I have now wouldn’t be in my life were I not sober. I probably wouldn’t be dating my boyfriend. I wouldn’t be living in this house. I wouldn’t have my creative writing group. I wouldn’t be seeing my current therapist. My best friend and I wouldn’t be as close as we are now. And I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here, writing this sentence in my sober blog, reflecting on how disconnected I feel from sobriety.
I don’t feel disconnected in a way that is dangerous. I don’t have thoughts of drinking. I don’t yearn for booze. I just feel like I don’t have much else to say. Sobriety feels like something I don’t need to think about too much these days. It just… is. And I’m doing it every day. I become more aware of it when I’m around others who are drinking, but that doesn’t happen too often anymore. The fact that I don’t ever get invited to after-work happy hours sort of solidifies this, as well.
I’m not upset about it. I don’t feel sad–not really. I am not nostalgic for the early days of sobriety. I don’t miss waking up not knowing how wildly my moods were going to swing that day. I am solid in sobriety and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by not doing step work or visiting /r/stopdrinking every day.
But, still. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not doing enough. For sobriety, that is. I’ve filled my life to the brim with things that would be impossible to juggle if I still drank. I like it this way. I’m doing plenty right now–I know this. But still, am I being sober the right way?
I think that’s why my writing here has slowly tapered off. That’s why I don’t engage with other sober blog as much, though I still do read them–many of them. I enjoy them all. I feel like they’re saying what I’ve thought and felt at various points along my journey. I feel like others say it all so well. And so I sit and read and hit the little star button and sometimes comment when I feel like I’ve got something useful to say.
But right now, I don’t feel like I’ve got much. Not in the realm of sobriety. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s okay to disengage for a while. I’m trying to allow myself to carry on with my sober life in an intentional, healthy way. I’m allowing myself to read and digest what everyone else is writing about, without feeling like I’ve got to jump in at every opportunity.
Instead, I’m trying to focus much of my energy back onto my personal and professional life. I’m trying to do what’s healthy for myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m sprinkling in forgiveness and grace whenever I can. If that means allowing some trust in my sobriety, I think I’m okay with that. I trust myself to stay sober, and to reach out and re-engage if things get hairy. I trust myself. I trust the process. I trust that it’s okay to not have much new or exciting to say about it. I trust myself to be ok.
Full of grace and acceptance and forgiveness and gratitude on this 821st day of my sobriety