Coming Back to Me

So, a few things have been happening over here in the Okayish corner of the world.

The First Big Thing is that a few weeks ago, I got a random email on a Sunday morning from my ex-husband, in which he wrote that he wished we could still talk, and that he is sorry.

Yes. That ex. The one I married at just shy of 24-years-old, and who left me one year into our marriage. The one from whom I’ve been divorced for 6 years. The one I managed to forgive almost 4 years ago, for myself, knowing I’d likely never speak to or see him again. The one I’ve happily been living without for almost as long as I knew him.

He emailed and said that he was sorry, and that he hoped I was doing well. When I responded, a week later, saying that I was in a good place, and that I appreciated the apology, and that I was still trying to figure out where my boundaries were in regard to speaking with him, he wrote back saying that he owed me—will forever owe me—an apology that is beyond his capability.

While I wanted to respond in a petty way, saying something along the lines of, “all you need to do is be honest. Tell me the truth. Simply saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean anything without action to support it,” what I ended up responding was something more along the lines of, “An endless apology is not necessary; I forgave you years ago for my own sanity. But my forgiveness won’t provide the peace or respite from pain you’re looking for, only you can do that. I hope you find peace in all this, because you deserve it.”

Over the week it took me to respond, I thought about all of the painful and, at times, traumatic growth I went through as a result of his actions, and I thought about the thousands of words I wrote here trying to process through my grief, my sobriety, and my story. It struck me that this person I once knew and cared so deeply about is likely on his own path, not dissimilar to mine, and that his apology was likely him looking for a shortcut to redemption, something to hoist the burden of whatever guilt he carries off of his shoulders and throw it into the eternal ether.

But, that’s just what I can imagine. I don’t know that I’ll ever know for sure where he is or what path he’s one, because it’s been over a week since I sent that response, and he hasn’t emailed me back.

I think I’m truly, honestly OK with that.

The Next Big Thing in the world of Okayishness is this: I’m working as a private practice therapist now. Like, holy smokes, the dream I’ve held since starting my graduate program back in January of 2016 was to be a PP therapist. And here I am! And yet…

…and yet I still feel restless! Hooray!

Something tells me that this is an opportunity for me to dig way deep into this particular part of my life, even though my restless mind is telling me to look into having a “double career” or some BS like that. It’s become more and more clear to me over the years that I tend to keep one foot—sometimes a whole leg, sometimes just one toe—out the door, and I never really give myself the change to dive fully into whatever world I’m occupying. Call it my Moon in Gemini, my Type A-ish personality, or my Millennial-level distrust in literally anything remaining stable, but I just want to keep going, keep learning, keep being the best, keep achieving, keep go-go-go-ing.

But here I am. And I’m pushing myself to stop looking at job boards and stop checking out freelance gig sites and just…settle. Even if only for a bit. I’m not pushing myself to be a high-achieving online yoga instructor (because let’s be real, at this point, I only ever have friends and family join in). I’m not pushing myself to be the best PP therapist who magically “cures” all of her clients of their ailments (because that’s not really what therapy is about, and there’s no therapist alive who would be able to “cure” every single client that comes in the door). I’m not pushing myself to constantly think of other ways to bring in loads of money.

No, in fact, I have very intentionally set a schedule for myself where I work four days, and take three days off. I pack my four days as full as is reasonable, knowing that clients will cancel, and then I force myself to not schedule any client sessions from Sunday – Tuesday.

So that’s been a trip. A big one. And I’m happy to be on it. But whew is it hard to just stay in one lane and allow myself the time to focus my energies in one direction.

The Other Next Big Thing in Okayishness land is that I am hoping and planning and working on actually starting the ‘ol blog up again and not only focusing on my sobriety (which is still very much a thing—1,676 days and counting) but gearing things toward an overall theme of a deeper, more significant journey into whole wellness: my body, my mind, my relationships, and my spirit.

What prompted this? Well, I am currently on a sorta weight-loss journey, sorta body-neutrality journey, sorta health-forward & strength-focused journey.

I’m one of the lucky (probably) millions who gained some pandemic weight. I mean, I gained a lot of pandemic weight. Probably 25-30 pounds. And while I’m not so hot on the idea of meticulously counting calories, starving myself, eliminating entire food groups, or exercising for 2 hours a day, I am hot on the idea of really starting to focus on treating myself well, eating foods that both energize and delight me, and bringing back into focus the idea of longevity and sustainability when it comes to my health.

Because boy, let me tell you: with a combination of the pandemic, living in the epicenter of civil unrest for several months, a cross-country move, and a bumpy ride to my new job, the emotional & stress eating has taken its toll on not only my waistline, but my joints, my mind, my libido, and my sense of self-esteem.

Part of me wants to go all “official” with it and turn this into a wellness journey page, but that feels tired and overdone, so I think what I’d like to do is simply make this space a part of my mindfulness & intentionality practices once again. I won’t post every day—I know this much about myself, that I would want to make that commitment and then I’d fall short of it—but I can commit to posting more like once or twice a week, maybe a bit less. But it’s important for me to continue checking in on myself and processing in a space that has always felt safe yet open & full of positive accountability.

So, there’s that. The rest is just grist for the mill. I’m looking forward to having a more frequent spot to open my mind and dump things out again. It feels good to come back to me.

❤ Em

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