Grief, et. al.

One of the most unusual things is to allow yourself to sit with—and feel—your conflicting emotions. Right now, I am swimming in a pool of guilt, sadness, relief, and hope. One part of me contains my sadness, the other my guilt, and yet another holds my relief, and somewhere else my hope is resting quietly …

Single

I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. I've stayed sober and painfully present with myself all evening long. My back aches and I'm not sure where my heart is, but I feel—finally—that I've taken the step I needed to take. Even as I'm faced with all of the lost dreams that come with this next …

Living the Questions is Hard.

So, yesterday morning, I decided to be honest with my boyfriend and tell him straight-up that I needed some time and space to process our relationship. We haven't broken up, but we're not talking at the moment, at my request.  It's just weird to think that I finally did it. I've been agonizing over saying …

“Falling Out of Love is Writing”

So, day 320 sober today. I'm inching closer and closer to that 1-year mark and it feels a little crazy to me. Being sober is both easier and harder than it was in the beginning. I'm not constantly struggling with the desire to drink, or battling myself on the pros and cons. I'm not knee-deep …

Day 78 Alcohol Free: Leaving

Traveling back to Denver has gotten me all worked up. This is the first time I've felt any persistent cravings for a drink in the past almost 80 days of sobriety. I'm not the best air traveler - I get nervous and jumpy, and have a hard time tolerating the turbulence that is typical of …

F*ck Anxiety

Today is a weird Monday. I decided to bike into work, and 15 blocks from the office, my bike chain broke clean off, right as I was crossing a busy intersection. Luckily I had the right-of-way, and my city is really bike-friendly so I wasn’t in any real danger as I tip-toed my bike to …

Day 28 Alcohol Free: The Divorce

I got divorced in 2015, at the age of 25. At that point, I had been drinking daily (and often heavily, full of regret) for almost 5 years. The pain I felt when my husband first told me he was no longer in love with me - a mere 11 months after tying the knot - …

The Ghost of Drunkness Past: Guilt

If you get to know me at all, chances are eventually, you’ll learn how much I love ghosts, ghost stories, and anything that has to do with the paranormal. My favorite shows growing up were Are You Afraid of the Dark, Scariest Places on Earth and Ghost Hunters. I loved Goosebumps and Scary Stories to …

Day 5 Alcohol Free: Oh, the Guilt

Warning: lots of lovely adult language in this one.  So, I just re-read the last week or so of conversations that I shared with Lucas* before I broke up with him. And I feel… I feel really bad. Things were unstable and I knew they didn’t feel right, but after reading through so many of the …