Just a Bunch of Nonsense

 

I was going to write a whole entry here about what happened over the past week, but I think that most of it is inconsequential and a bit boring.

I accepted an internship for the fall semester, I might’ve found a place to move into at the beginning of March, the weather is unseasonably warm for February in the North, and of course, the world still seems to be falling apart.

As such, my mind has been occupied with a lot of things other than sobriety, which is perhaps a good thing, or perhaps not.

It’s all just a bunch of nonsense.

I’ve been amazed, confused, and dumbfounded by the political chaos that has enshrouded any sense of stability in my country. This is perhaps the first time I have ever felt so lost as an American citizen.

It feels unreal.

One of the members of my creative writing group – an older man, retired psychologist – messaged me to ask me out for a drink or food. I felt more uncomfortable than perhaps I should have. The people I told about it didn’t seem to be too surprised or confused. Even my boyfriend said, “Hey you’re almost 30. These age differences don’t matter as much as they used to.”

I began to wonder if I have trouble setting clearly defined boundaries between myself and the people I interact with in these groups, as it isn’t the first time a member has asked me out for dinner/drink. Both members have characterized me as kind – too kind, actually – and as someone who overextends herself.

I don’t know why him asking me out bothered me so much. Perhaps because it felt like some sort of betrayal; this man is old enough to be my father (grandfather, even), and has previously acted as an unsolicited mentor for me as I move through my schooling to become a counselor. I viewed him as a friendly social acquaintance. And I think it made me feel dirty in a way, to have him view me in any other way than that. Because I want to be able to feel like I can exist without being sexualized. Perhaps this is a “first world” problem that I’m complaining about, but I’m tired of downplaying my own intuition and discomfort about these things. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong – sending out the “wrong signals” or whatever. But I don’t like it.

I think that, perhaps, I am going through a fairly drastic period of examination and re-evaluation of my own personal identity and everything that encompasses: being female, a feminist, white, sober, liberal, college-educated, a “helper/healer” type. I’m coming to a new, deeper understanding of my position in society, and how I interact with the world. Sometimes it hurts. Like, for example, being seen as an object of romantic interest by a man who is old enough to have fathered me, and who I viewed as an eccentric mentorly type.

I guess the best way of putting it is that I feel a lot of conflicting emotions right now, and while none of them specifically pertain to being sober, I can’t deny that being sober has allowed me to complicate my own questions and search a deeper part of myself that would have probably remained otherwise inaccessible. It hurts a little. But I’m afraid it has to happen.

Sigh. If I could afford one of those fancy, all-inclusive yoga retreats in the mountains of Colorado, I would absolutely do it. I just need some silence and peace to get my head in order; I don’t feel like I’ll find much of that in the world I live in today. So, I guess I’ll just have to keep moving forward.

6 thoughts on “Just a Bunch of Nonsense

  1. Lamar Washington says:

    When I first got sober, I was exposed to emotions that I hadn’t been used to feeling. It made me feel out of control. Typically my reaction to feeling out of control is to just get angry. So I spent a lot of time being angry just because I was feeling things. Lol.

    It gets better.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Barb Knowles says:

    I’m very uncomfortable with huge age differences. I would feel that way too. It might be as simple as you have a way of making people feel good about themselves. I don’t know you, of course, except for our interactions here and on my blog, but I can see you being empathetic. When I was first getting sober, the rush of emotions and not being able to read signals well happened to me too. Plus, as you said, having to address them with ourselves instead of drinking them away is a real change. I don’t want to sound flippant at all. But I think your recognizing these feelings and trying to put them in perspective is a really healthy sign. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • okayishness blog says:

      Thanks, Barb! I know I was probably letting it get to me a bit more than I should’ve, but I do also think it’s a good sign that I’m taking the time to recognize those feelings and put them in perspective, as you said. I like your way of thinking of it: maybe I have a way of making people feel good about themselves. I haven’t ever really thought of it that way, but boy would that be helpful that’s actually the case 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. sauvignonblackout says:

    Crikey! Reading that was so weird, as I totally get where you’re coming from. I think I too give out the wrong signals, or am too friendly or something, as this sort of thing happens to me too and makes me feel really uncomfortable and like I have to change my approach. A bit annoying for you now because I guess you’re going to feel awkward at your creative writing class and being within the vicinity of this bloke. I get that you want to escape to a fancy yoga retreat !! Any chance of taking a bit of time off and actually doing something like that?? Xxx Good Luck xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • okayishness blog says:

      Well, I hope things don’t get too weird with the group. He’s always been quite nice otherwise.

      And no, unfortunately a trip away to a yoga center isn’t very realistic right now. I’m a full-time worker, full-time grad student with half my year’s PTO already eaten up by school stuff. Next year maybe! ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

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